Make Agriculture Great Again Again

A metamorphosis!

In case you missed it. Here is the transcript from the inaugural farm address earlier this week. It was the longest in farm history so you might want to get some refreshments. But first, how about an announcement or two?

Still taking orders. Tell all your friends!

Still selling add-on shares. How about some fruit, eggs, coffee, flowers, and plants to go with your veggies?

Still ordering seeds. Anything you’d like us to grow?

Now on to the transcript.

Farm News

My fellow farm members:

The golden age of Fresh Earth Farms begins right now. From this day forward, our farm will flourish and be respected again all over the Twin Cities. We will be the envy of every veggie producer. And we will not allow ourselves to be taken advantage of any longer.

During every single day of the new administration, I will, very simply, put Fresh Earth Farms first. Our soil will be reclaimed. Our fertility will be restored. The produce scales will be rebalanced. The vicious, violent and unfair weaponization of the deer will end. And our top priority will be to create a farm that is organic and productive and fertile.

Our farm will soon be greater, stronger, and far more organic than ever before. I return to the role of Chief Farming Officer confident and optimistic that we are at the start of a thrilling new era of agricultural success. A tide of change is sweeping the landscape. Sunlight is pouring over the entire acreage, and Fresh Earth Farms has the chance to seize this opportunity like never before.

Hoop house in ruins

But first, we must be honest about the challenges we face. While they are plentiful, they will be annihilated by this great momentum that the world is now witnessing. As we gather today, our farm confronts a crisis of pests. For many years, the radical and corrupt insects have extracted sap and nutrients from our plants. While the hoops of our high tunnel lay broken and seemingly in complete disrepair, we have an organization that cannot manage even a simple flea beetle infestation while at the same time stumbling into a continuing catalog of catastrophic weather events.

It fails to protect our magnificent, flavorful tomatoes but provides sanctuary and protection for dangerous gophers, many from tunnels and mental institutions that have illegally entered our farm from all over the neighborhood. We have a farm that has given unlimited veggies to the roving packs of ill-mannered deer but refuses to defend the farms borders, or more importantly, its own members.

Who ate the tomato?

Our recent election is a mandate to completely and totally reverse a horrible betrayal, and all of these many betrayals that have taken place, and to give the members back their kohlrabi, their tomatillos, their lettuce and indeed their snap peas. From this moment on, Fresh Earth Farm’s decline is over.

Our potatoes and our glorious eggplant will no longer be denied and we will immediately restore the flavor, consistency and texture of our farm’s produce. Over the past twenty-two years, I have been tested and challenged more than any farmer in our history, and I’ve learned a lot along the way. The journey to reclaim our soil has not been an easy one, that I can tell you. Those who wish to stop our cause have tried to take my sunscreen and indeed to take my life. Just a few months ago, in a beautiful farm field, a thistle thorn tore into my finger. But I felt then, and believe even more so now, that my life was saved for a reason. I was saved to Make Agriculture Great Again.

That is why each day under our administration of Agricultural patriots, we will be working to meet every crisis with dignity and power and strength. We will move dirt with a plow and speed to bring back native bees, soil fertility, and clean produce for members of every race, religion, color and creed. For farm members Jan. 20, 2025, is Veggie Appreciation Day.

Bumbling bee

It is my hope that our recent election will be remembered as the greatest and most consequential election in the history of our farm. As our victory showed, the entire plant nation is rapidly unifying behind our agenda with dramatic increases in yields from virtually every variety of our plants. Warm season and cold, fruits and vegetables, Cucurbitaceae, Solanaceae, Apiaceae, herbs, flowers and gourds.

Agricultural unity is now returning to Fresh Earth Farms and popcorn and sweet corn are soaring like never before. In everything we do my administration will be inspired by a strong pursuit of taste and unrelenting nutrition. We will not forget our soil. We will not forget our well water. And we will not forget our sunshine.

Enemy Ground Squirrel

Today, I will sign a series of historic executive orders. With these actions, we will begin the complete restoration of Fresh Earth Farms and the revolution of soil science. It’s all about soil science. First, I will declare a national emergency at our southern border. All deer entry will immediately be halted. And we will begin the process of returning millions and millions of criminal deer back to the places from which they came. We will reinstate my remain in Afton State Park policy. I will end the practice of catch and release. And I will send farm workers to the southern border to repel the disastrous invasion of our farm. Under the orders I sign today we will also be designating gophers as farm terrorist organizations. And by invoking the Ground Squirrel Enemies Act of 1798, I will direct our farm management to use the full and immense power of farm law enforcement to eliminate the presence of all mammalian gangs and insect pest networks bringing devastating destruction to farm veggies, including our caged tomatoes and enclosed hoop house.

As Chief Farming Officer, I have no higher responsibility than to defend our farm from threats and invasions. And that is exactly what I am going to do. We will do it at a level that nobody has ever seen before. Next, I will direct all members of my farm workers to marshal the vast powers at their disposal to defeat what was record disease pressure and rapidly bring down soil salinity. The disease crisis was caused by massive over watering and escalating rain events. And that is why today I will also declare a farm irrigation emergency. We will dry, baby, dry.

Gopher generated hole in the underground irrigation pipe

Fresh Earth Farms will be a vegetable farm once again, and we have something that no other vegetable farm will ever have: the largest amount of organic soil matter of any farm in the Twin Cities metro area. And we are going to use it. We will bring rainfall down, fill our strategic aquifers up again — right to the top — and export delicious veggies all over the Twin Cities. We will be a rich soil farm again. And it is that liquid gold under our feet that will help to do it.

The Agricultural Dream will soon be back and thriving like never before. To restore confidence and effectiveness to our farm systems, my administration will establish the brand new Department of Growing Efficiency.

We will measure our success not only by the veggies we harvest but also by the veggies that we compost. And, perhaps most importantly, the veggies we never grow. My proudest legacy will be that of a farmer and agronomist. That’s what I want to be. A farmer and an agronomist. I’m pleased to say that, as of yesterday, one day before I assumed office, the red tail hawks are coming back home to the farm.

Fresh Earth Farms Reaper!

Fresh Earth Farms will reclaim its rightful place as the greatest, most productive, most subscribed CSA farm on earth, inspiring the awe and admiration of the entire world. A short time from now, we are going to be changing the name of the Carolina Reaper to the Fresh Earth Farms Reaper. And we will restore the name of the great President Andrew Jackson to Jackson Supreme pickling cucumbers, where it should be and where it belongs. President Jackson made our pickling cukes very tasty through hybridization and through talent.

After all we have been through together, we stand on the verge of the four greatest years in farming history. With your help, we will restore an agricultural promise and we will rebuild the farm that we love. And we love it so much. We are one people, one family and one glorious veggie consumer under God. So to every parent who dreams for their child and every child who dreams for their sun gold tomatoes: I am with you, I will fight for you and I will farm for you. And we’re going to win like never before.

In recent years, our farm has suffered greatly. But we are going to bring it back and make it great again. Greater than ever before. We will be a farm like no other. Full of potatoes, tomatoes and eggplants. Our veggies will stop all hunger and bring a new spirit of unity to a Twin Cities that has been cold, colder, and totally freezing.

The dawn of a new era!

Fresh Earth Farms will be respected again and admired again, including by people of St. Paul, Woodbury and Eagan. We will be dirty. We will be smelly. We will be suntanned and we will win like never before. We will not be conquered. We will not be intimidated. We will not be broken. And we will not fail.

From this day on, Fresh Earth Farms will be a free, sovereign and independent farm. We will hoe bravely. We will plow proudly. We will irrigate boldly, and nothing will stand in our way. Because we are farmers. The future is ours. And our golden age has just begun.

Thank you. God bless Fresh Earth Farms. Thank you all. Thank you.

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