Putting together this year’s State of the Farm address was a bit more challenging than in past years. However with great care I have gathered up the torn shreds of paper, carefully resorted and reassembled them to piece together last night’s state of the farm address. It is a bit more wrinkled and covered in shoe prints and a couple words I’m sure got lost in the tears but I think overall it is complete. Without further ado, here is this year’s State of the Farm Address (oh, and don’t forget to sign-up for 2020):
Madam Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of the Farm, the first lady of the Fresh Earth Farms — and my fellow citizens:
Three years ago, we launched the great farm comeback. Tonight, I stand before you to share the incredible results. Pumpkins are booming, sunflowers are soaring, weed pressure is plummeting, rain drops are falling, kohlrabi is surging, and our farm is thriving and highly respected again. Fresh Earth Farms’ enemies are on the run, the Farm’s garlic is on the rise, and Farm’s popcorn is blazing bright.
The years of inorganic decay are over. The days of our farm being used, taken advantage of, and even scorned by other farms are long behind us. Gone, too, are the broken tractors, tired farm workers and constant excuses for the depletion of the Farm’s organic matter, solar power and potatoes.
In just three short years, we have shattered the mentality of Farm decline, and we have rejected the downsizing of the Farm’s destiny. We are moving forward at a pace that was unimaginable just a short time ago, and we are never, ever going to use chemical pesticides.
I am thrilled to report to you tonight that our greenhouse is the best it has ever been. Our hoop house is completely rebuilt, with its poly cover unmatched anywhere in the world — and it’s not even close. Our borders are secure. Our flowers are flourishing. Our soils are renewed. Our farm truck is restored. And for all of these reasons, I say to the people of our great country and to the members our farm: The state of our Farm is stronger than ever before.
The vision I will lay out this evening demonstrates how we are building the world’s most prosperous and inclusive produce farm — one where every vegetable can join in America’s unparalleled success and where every delivery site can take part in the Farm’s extraordinary rise.
From the instant I took office, I moved rapidly to revive the Farm’s soil — slashing a record number of plant-killing insects, enacting historic and record-setting cover crops, and fighting for fair and reciprocal drip tape. Our agenda is relentlessly pro-worker, pro-family, pro-growth, and, most of all, pro-vegetable. Thank you. We are advancing with unbridled optimism and lifting our heirloom tomatoes of every type, color, texture and size very, very high.
Since my election, we have created seven million new snap peas— five million more than farm experts projected during the previous administration. The deer population is the lowest in over half a century. And very incredibly, the average germination rate under my administration is higher than any administration in the history of our farm. True. If we hadn’t reversed the failed weed management policies of the previous administration, the farm would not now be witnessing this great culinary revolution.
Since my election, the net output of the bottom half of tomato plants has increased by 47 percent — three times faster than the increase for the top 1 percent. After decades of flat and falling nightshades, peppers are rising fast — and, wonderfully, they are rising fastest for sweet bell peppers, who have seen a 16 percent yield increase since my election. This is a bell pepper boom.
Real median household vegetable consumption is now at the highest level ever recorded.
Since my election, sweet corn has soared 70 percent, adding more than 12 pounds to our share’s weight, transcending anything anyone believed was possible. This is a record. It is something that every farm in the general vicinity is looking up to. Consumer satisfaction has just reached amazing new highs.
Thanks to our bold insect pest reduction campaign, the Farm has become the No. 1 producer of cucumbers and green beans anywhere in the metropolitan area, by far. With the tremendous progress we have made over the past three years, the Farm is now kale independent. And harvesting jobs, like so many other elements of our farm, are at a record high. We are doing numbers that no one would have thought possible just three years ago.
We are supporting the hopes of Vegans, Pescatarians, and Vegetarians to restore produce flavor. Fresh Earth Farms is leading a 59-farm vegetative coalition against the socialist dictator of Cervidae , White Tailed Deer. Deer are illegitimate rulers, tyrants who brutalizes Swiss chard. But the deer’s grip on tyranny will be smashed and broken.
Here this evening is a very brave vegetable who carries with him the hopes, dreams, and aspirations of all Vegetables. Joining us in the gallery is the true and legitimate corn plant, sweet corn. Mr. Sweet Corn, please take this message back to your corn field that all farm members are united with the Vegetables in their righteous struggle against deer.
Chemicals destroy soils. But always remember: Cover crops improve soils.
My administration is determined to give our vegetables the opportunities they need regardless of order, family or genus. Through our Pledge to American Vegetables, over 400 beds will provide nitrogen, phosphorus and potassium to almost 150 vegetable varieties.
The farm member should never be blindsided by unknown vegetables. That is why I signed an executive order requiring produce transparency. Many experts believe that transparency, which will go into full effect at the beginning of season, will be even bigger than health care reform. It will save families massive amounts of googling for substantially better recipes.
But as we work to improve members’ cooking skills, there are those who want to take away your pots, take away your pans, and abolish knives entirely. One hundred thirty-two lawmakers in this room have endorsed legislation to impose a factory farm takeover of our vegetable production, wiping out the CSA shares of 180 million very happy vegetable eater. To those watching at home tonight, I want you to know: We will never let chemical farming destroy American food production.
Fresh Earth Farms was carved out of the vast frontier by the toughest, strongest, fiercest, and most determined men and women ever to walk on the east side of the Twin Cities. Our ancestors braved the mosquitoes; tamed the thistle; settled the soil erosion; lifted millions of potatoes from the dirt; vanquished flea beetles and cucumber beetles; ushered the sunflowers to new heights of yellow and orange; laid down the drip tape, dug out water mainlines, raised up the riser faucets. And, ladies and gentlemen, our ancestors built the most exceptional hoop house ever to exist in all of human history, and we are making it greater than ever before.
This soil is our canvas, and this farm is our masterpiece. We look at tomorrow and see unlimited cabbage just waiting to mature. Our brightest heirloom tomatoes are not yet known. Our most thrilling cauliflower are not yet sowed. Our grandest bok choi are not yet planted. The Farm Age, the farm Epic, the Farm adventure has only just begun.
Our seeds are still young, the sun is still rising, God’s grace is still shining, and, my fellow members, the best is yet to come.
Thank you. God bless you. And God bless Fresh Earth Farms. Thank you very much.