It has been brought to my attention that there were many voting irregularities in the most recent election. Though this is typically not the type of issue we farmers focus our time and effort on I felt that in this particular instance it hit too close to home. So close I felt I had to change my lane and address this injustice. But first, a couple of announcements.
Thanks for everyone who has signed-up for the 2022 season! We’ve had an excellent response. We’d love to see the rest of you rejoin so if you plan to do so, now is a great time to make the move. Simply send in a check for the $100 deposit, PayPal me the $100 deposit, or order it though our online store and follow-up with the $100 deposit. If you want to use a credit card you’ll have to go through the store and pay the whole amount; the store doesn’t provide partial payments when using credit cards.
Just a quick reminder that if you are looking for local, organic eggs our Afton neighbor Jim is selling some. Contact him at jseifert@usgo.net.
Non-Farm News
As I mentioned, it has been brought to my attention that in the most recent election there were many voting irregularities that resulted in a very suspect outcome. And with this came a result that hit so close to home that I could not in good conscious just let it slide. I have to do something. I have to at least bring it to my readership’s attention so they can be as outraged as me. Of course the voting I’m talking about is People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.
Though they apparently have not yet made the announcement, several confidential sources have stated this year’s Sexiest Man Alive is some guy named Chris something. When I first heard this I thought, “Gee it’s about time. How was I able to fly under the radar all these many years?” But then I was informed by these same confidential sources that it was some other sexy Chris. A non-farmer sexy Chris. It was time for me to get to the bottom of this.
First, I looked back at the list of previous winners and — though not definitive proof of discrimination — it should be noted that there has never been a Sexiest Man Alive winner who farmed for a living. This seems entirely improbable. We farmers with our rugged good looks and callused hands have got to have some representation on this list. What are they looking for, soft baby-smooth skin and even, all-over tan? Who would find that sexy? Plus what is sexier, the subtle smell of recently harvested garlic scapes or whatever Hollywood movie stars smell like? I think the answer is quite clear.
I imagine the biggest issue that has prevented me from winning, and perhaps even being considered is that the world seems awash in sexy Chrises. Of course there is the previous non-farmer winner Chris Hemsworth and this purported non-farmer 2021 winner Chris somebody I’ve never heard of. Then there are Chris P’s — Pratt and Pine neither of which I find particularly attractive much less, to my knowledge, has any hint of a garlicky smell. How can I, another sexy Chris even be noticed in this ocean of sexy Chrises? It’s a sexy Chris Crises!
One thing I have heard is this most recent supposedly sexiest Chris alive person had sent out a d**k p*c a few years ago — “accidentally”. Sure. Whatever you say Chris. Some people have said, “Perhaps this is the differentiator and that maybe you should be doing likewise farmer Chris — accidentally of course”. Well too late. For those who follow this blog you will recall that I sent out a d**k p*c in my last newsletter and though it isn’t like me to brag I will say that I was complemented several times with having a very “nice tuber“. I contend this other sexy Chris didn’t get the same reaction about his tuber.
Besides, what do people find sexier — a guy who feeds them delicious, nutritious veggies or a guy who prances around in tights and a cape acting like some superhero. This Chris has no real super power at all. Not sexy. At least I have a real super power: the ability to feed people. Sexy.
Grows delicious veggies, smells faintly like garlic, has nice tuber. It seems like I match on the top three categories of sexy yet here we are. The only possible explanation is that Hugo Chavez rigged the voting machines using a Jewish space laser that imprinted on Chinese ballots made of bamboo. Seeing this in black and white makes you realize how obvious it all is. Maybe it is time for us to rally, march to the Capitol and fight like hell ’cause if we don’t we’re not going to have a Sexiest Man Alive anymore. Hmm, never mind. Maybe it would be better for society to abolish this worn out relic of a bygone era that focuses on people’s good looks instead of their sexy callused hands and alliumy smell.
As always, feel free to send in comments. suggestions, jokes, deposits but not d**k p*cs, unless it is of a really nice tuber.